I'm sure you've always wondered how François delivers such alarming imagery in his books. You might think that phrases like "trumpet clapper" and "cul-de-sac" pour forth effortlessly from me, but no! I have help! 

My favorite tool ... for writing books in The Seamen Sexology ... happens to be the Dictionary of Sexual and Scatological Euphemisms. Ever wondered what a brown-hatter is? It'll tell you. Need some semen-related terms like "pearl necklace" or "pecker tracks"? It's got 'em. Looking for a euphemism for male genitalia? It doesn't have one for that ... it has 279 of them.

I stumbled upon "Sex-Scat" several years ago, and since then it's become an invaluable source of inspiration. Yes, I admit it. Sex-Scat is one of the things that keeps me inspired.

But lo! I recently went to visit my favorite tool, and it was gone! Wiped up! Cleansed from the Internet as if in preparation for going over the bridge to plimpton!

Fortunately, after searching deep inside the Internet's annals I was able to uncover an archived copy. And since I don't want anyone else to be left with stone ache as I was, I have decided to republish it here, for the enjoyment of all. 

As a self-respecting naval officer I try to avoid politics on this page, but enough is enough. I cannot stand flaccid any longer while this man makes a mockery of a country that doesn’t even exist yet!
 
So I, François le Foutre, am officially submitting myself for consideration to replace Donald Trump as the Republican nominee for president.
 
What are my qualifications, you ask?

• I rose to the rank of Rear Admiral faster than anyone else in history
• I have traveled extensively and kept the secrets of many foreign dignitaries (whose secrets, it turns out, are not so dignified).
• I am a devout Christian. Though I have never eaten the body of Christ, during my travels in Latin America I have eaten many men named Jesus.
• I firmly believe that it is not the size of the government that counts, it’s how you use it. Slimmer governments, though less impressive to the eye, typically work harder, are more flexible, and are able to go places larger governments can’t. Like Aleppo.
• I have never in my life grabbed a female’s pussy. (Full disclosure, I have, on numerous occasions, held a boys’ pussy. Always with consent.)
• I’m rich. Really rich. And sweet. I think it’s because I eat a lot of pineapple.
• My hands are big enough that I’ve never felt the need to defend their size in a national debate.
• And last but not least, I have executive experience, having personally executed countless seamen with my stomach acid. Conversely, I have personally ensured countless seamen reached their intended destinations safely.

 
If you think François would make a better president than Donald Trump, support his campaign by enlisting, shopping at the Seamen Store, or sharing this post. 

​With all the talk lately about grabbing pussies, it made me think about the first chapter in my second book, My Coxswain Is Bigger Than Yours. To be sure, there are no female pussies to be found here, but we do make extensive use of the boys' pussy. Enjoy!

Read the book to find out what happens next.

It's official! François' presence will be felt at the Austin Pride Festival on August 27, 2016. Come experience the joys of François Salty Seamen in the place he feels most comfortable, surrounded by ... sailors. 

Look for the giant banner that looks like this: 

Haven Con is one of the first LGBTQA geek cons in the world, and the only one in Texas. And your favorite fearsome fruit will be a guest! 

Details are still coming (hehe) on how exactly I'll be stimulating all my fans on the day, but we do know this: if you register for Haven Con using this link, I'll enter you ... into a drawing to win one of these fabulous t-shirts from the Seamen Store. 

This is one area where speed is a virtue. Don't delay, sign up for Haven Con today!

I've just added some new dates, and because I'm not the jealous type, I thought I'd share them with you.

This weekend, I will be heading to San Antonio for Sci-Fest, which claims to be the only free comic con in Texas. 

But even bigger than that (and we know how much of a size queen François is), I am heading to Chicago next month for Wizard World! Come find me there August 18-21!

Last weekend I was inside of Comicpalooza Houston, and during the adventure I was contacted by a fan. Our intercourse was so extraordinary, I had to share it with you. I hope it brings you as much pleasure as it's brought me.

------

​From: Jay
To: François 
Date: Fri, Jun 17, 2016 at 7:17 PM
Subject: Bonjour Rear Admiral François

I am a fan of your work from the far north. Canada. Ontario to be exact. I have friends in the great state of Texas and they saw you at Fanexpo. I joined your salty crew of Seamen because I have a thirst for... adventure. Amongst other things. I truly admire the quality and quantity of your volumes... and eagerly anticipate devouring your next installments. Your words are very inspiring and touching.... and inspire a fair bit of touching as well. ;)

Are you currently at the Comicpalooza in Houston? I was told you would be selling fantastic merchandise there and generally getting into mischief.... a great way to spend the weekend. I hope you enjoy your time in the auditorium as much as many there would enjoy their time in your poop deck.

Your new shipmate and Canadian logger.

Jay

------

From: François
To: Jay 
Date: Sat, Jun 18, 2016 at 8:38 PM
Subject: Re: Bonjour Rear Admiral François

Bonjour Jayson! Merci for your heartfelt message, and welcome to my Raging Queen. Yes, I am in Comicpalooza this weekend, and Comicpalooza is loving every minute of it. Continue to spread the word through Canada. I'll have to come up soon. 

Avec amour, 

François

------

From: Jay
To: François 
Date: Sat, Jun 18, 2016 at 10:03 PM
Subject: Bonjour Rear Admiral François

Merci Beaucoup François! 

I will be sure to pass along all the intimate details of your adventures on the seven seas with all your salty seamen to all my friends and most of my enemies as well. Everyone should get to experience all you have to offer and no one should be left thirsty or wanting when it comes to fulfilling their hunger for your fine literary works. I know you would want to spread your seeds of adventure worldwide and I would love to help you spill it across my great northern nation, amongst other places. 

The lady love of my life, by the name of M____, is the beautiful tech support behind the scenes woman taking pictures of all the goings and comings at Comicpalooza for her own amusement and she is always quick of wit and sarcasm. She took your picture at Fanexpo. You may recognize her. I wanted to send her a special message of amour and She will be drifting your way at some point to purchase one of your amazing mugs. I wish I could have the pleasure of your taste on my lips but I will have to wait until I see her and she shares with me. 

I will be happy to send you a steady correspondence of double entendres for as long as you'll have me as I find it highly amusing and amazing to practice my wordplay. I fancy myself a cunning linguist and I always enjoy a play on words and tongue twisting. You have a spectacular weekend in Comicpalooza and best of luck in the future.

Your keeper of hard Canadian wood,
(Perfect for laying down decks and nailing into place),

Jay

------

From: François
To: Jay 
Date: Sun, Jun 19, 2016 at 7:04 AM
Subject: Re: Bonjour Rear Admiral François

Merci for spreading the love! And not the syphilis. Tell your lady love that I am in booth 1011, and the best time to find me inside of it will be after 12:15 or so. After you've told her that, you should also come out of the closet to her. No need to string her along. :-D

Avec amour,

François le Foutre 
The Most Fearsome Fruit in all of France, and Original Salty Seaman

------

From: Jay
To: François 
Date: Sat, Jun 18, 2016 at 10:03 PM
Subject: Bonjour Rear Admiral François

Silly François,

My lady love knows full well that I hunger for the thrills and spills of the salty seaman's life as well as craving the valleys and mountains of a true world traveller. I am a multifaceted individual with more than a single directed desire on my mind. While I thoroughly enjoy lodging in a captain's poop deck, and will always be thirsty for the kind of fulfilling experience only a salty Seaman provides, she will always be the sweetest harbour for me and I will be docking my dinghy in her inlets and mapping her shorelines and tributaries for the rest of my days. I appreciate the need for honesty in a relationship and this one is as honest as it gets. 

So, sorry to dissapoint, my dear Rear Admiral, I am a willing member in your berth but I will always return to her on land that is never dry for where I will be resting both my heads and my heart is hers forever. 

I will pass on your message and I am sure she will be around to see you shortly. She is really excited about your coffee cup, has been since she saw the amazing offer in your email to all the Seamen on your crew.

I will be posting a few rave reviews on Amazon of your incredible tales of erotic adventure within the next two days. Thank you again for your continued words and phrases and your quick responses to my messages. You are a true man of action and your words inspire a lot of action as well.

Your friendly northern neighbour, 
Portaging through the amazing wilds of Canada,

Jay

------

Mon dieu! Jay's enthusiasm was so palpable, I had a hard time keeping up with his sultry interpositions. As a reward, I bestowed upon Jay the rank of Leading Seaman, allowing him to swab the inside of my poop cabin, and not simply the exterior portion of the poop deck.

Want some free Seamen, free Coxswain, or even a free Dyke? Just follow these three steps:

1. Become a Salty Seaman. You get a free e-book of There's Seamen on the Poop-Deck! just for doing that!
2. Spread the Love! (Not the Syphilis.) Post a review of the book at Amazon/Goodreads/etc. OR get three friends to become Salty Seamen, too.
3. Send François the Evidence. Email François the link to your review and/or names of the enlisted.

Every time you do this, get a free book! Refer six friends, get two books! Post three reviews, get three books!*
 
 
*Can be hard copy, e-boo­k, or audiobook (when available). Cost of shipping for hard copies not included. 

Ever wanted a date with François? Of course you have. François is visibly excited to be reading an excerpt from his books at the Naked Leather Formal in Houston next week! 

For more opportunities to see François in the flesh, just head on over to the Dates page.