So I, François le Foutre, am officially submitting myself for consideration to replace Donald Trump as the Republican nominee for president.
What are my qualifications, you ask?
- I rose to the rank of Rear Admiral faster than anyone else in history
- I have traveled extensively and kept the secrets of many foreign dignitaries (whose secrets, it turns out, are not so dignified).
- I am a devout Christian. Though I have never eaten the body of Christ, during my travels in Latin America I have eaten many men named Jesus.
- I firmly believe that it is not the size of the government that counts, it’s how you use it. Slimmer governments, though less impressive to the eye, typically work harder, are more flexible, and are able to go places larger governments can’t. Like Aleppo.
- I have never in my life grabbed a female’s pussy. (Full disclosure, I have, on numerous occasions, held a boys’ pussy. Always with consent.)
- I’m rich. Really rich. And sweet. I think it’s because I eat a lot of pineapple.
- My hands are big enough that I’ve never felt the need to defend their size in a national debate.
- And last but not least, I have executive experience, having personally executed countless seamen with my stomach acid. Conversely, I have personally ensured countless seamen reached their intended destinations safely.
If you think François would make a better president than Donald Trump, support his campaign by enlisting, shopping at the Seamen Store, or sharing this post.